Jokes by Steven Wright (the deadpan stand-up comedian) Part Eight of an Eight-fold Trip

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Table of Contents.

Part Eight:
Wright Absorption

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
-- Steven Wright (SW)

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...
-- SW

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- SW

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
-- SW

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
-- SW

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
-- SW

Today I... No, that wasn't me.
-- SW

When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town... They mail it to me.
-- SW

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- SW

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
-- SW

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
-- SW

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
-- SW

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something.
-- SW

So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
-- SW

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
-- SW

I can't stop thinking like this.
-- SW

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
-- SW

You know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
-- SW

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Ever try to Scotch-gard a sponge?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike)

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Alex Kirlik)

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

Are there any questions?
-- SW

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I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!" Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com!

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Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):

	Wright Absorption	Wright Knowledge
Wright Mindfulness			Wright Aspiration
Wright Effort			Wright Speech
	Wright Livelihood	Wright Behavior

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This page is part eight of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, and observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")

More Jokes SITE MAP Updated 9/29/07