Jokes by Steven Wright (the deadpan stand-up comedian) Part Five of an Eight-fold Trip

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Part Five:
Wright Livelihood

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
-- Steven Wright (SW)

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
-- SW

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
-- SW

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- SW

I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.
-- SW

You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.
-- SW

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
-- SW

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
-- SW

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.
-- SW

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
-- SW

My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though.
-- SW

My grandfather invented Cliff Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short...
-- SW

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- SW

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."
-- SW

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. I asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert. He said, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the government." I asked what kind of research. He said, "I'm trying to determine who REALLY built the pyramids. Now, I'm not positive, but I think it was a guy named 'Phil'." Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
-- SW

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
-- SW

When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." I thought "Who? Me?" So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work."
-- SW

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
-- SW

I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise... He's a mime.
-- SW

I invented the cordless extension cord.
-- SW

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
-- SW

Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
-- SW

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
-- SW

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
-- SW

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.
-- SW

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
-- SW

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
-- SW

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.
-- SW

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
-- SW

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
-- SW

I went around my house and turned on all the lights. Then I put mirrors around all the light bulbs. Now the electric company sends me a check each month.
-- SW

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

How young can you die of old age?
-- SW

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
-- SW

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I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!" Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com!

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Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):

	Wright Absorption	Wright Knowledge
Wright Mindfulness			Wright Aspiration
Wright Effort			Wright Speech
	Wright Livelihood	Wright Behavior

This page is part five of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, comedy, weird quotations, one-liners, observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")

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