[Steven Wright]

Jokes by Steven Wright

(the deadpan stand-up comedian)

Part Three of an Eight-fold Trip

In Association with Amazon.com

Meditate on the
Table of Contents.

Part Three:
Wright Speech


If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
-- Steven Wright (SW)

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
-- SW

My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a megaphone.
-- SW

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
-- SW

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
-- SW

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
-- SW

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
-- SW

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
-- SW

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
-- SW

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
-- SW

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-- SW

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
-- SW

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
-- SW

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
-- SW

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
-- SW

It's a fine night to have an evening.
-- SW

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
-- SW

A metaphor is like a simile.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
-- SW

I took a baby shower.
-- SW

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
-- SW

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- SW

Is "tired old cliche" one?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a Rod Schmidt look-alike)

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained.
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike from Steve Connelly)

What are imitation rhinestones?
-- NOT a Steven Wright joke (a look-alike)



I Have a Pony Audio CD, by Steven Wright

Review: "Nobody else seems to be able to blurt out one brilliant and unusual and VERY FUNNY observation of everyday life the way Steven Wright can. If only this man made more than just the one album! Well, what he seems to lack in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality!"

Order this great audio CD from Amazon.com!
  [Steven Wright]



Follow this path to return to the Table of Contents (An Eight-fold Trip):


Wright
Absorption
 
Wright
Knowledge
Wright
Mindfulness
Wright
Aspiration
Wright
Effort
Wright
Speech
Wright
Livelihood
Wright
Behavior



This page is part three of eight pages (the biggest list on the web) of jokes, quotations, weird humor, one-liners, observations and meditations on life by deadpan stand-up comedian Steven Wright (sometimes misspelled "Stephen Wright")

[Steven Wright counterfeits identified here!]
[Library icon] [Help Desk icon]
[Mailbox] [Top 95% icon] More Jokes

SITE MAP

Updated 2/4/10
[Home icon]